1997-04-01 - April Fools Day Parade
Hav 409
Ladies and Gentlemen, and G-Chem students, back despite your 50% average on the last exam, it’s the most pre-professional band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Mercenary Bastards who are in school only as a means to the end of monetary gain and will be a thousand times richer than their infinitely more deserving betters who actually have an intellectual passion.
[fanfare]
Featuring...
J. Dmitri Mendeleev - Doing it Periodically
J. Wolfgang Pauli - Doing it Exclusively
and J. Chemistry Students receiving “A” grades - Doing Fine
[fanfare]
presents an all-star gala April Fool’s salute to those of you silly enough to get up this early to come to chemistry. Of course, we all got up this early to attend a marching band event, but uh, em, uh. . . .
[who owns]
The band has been besieged recently by the frenzied queries of chemistry students as to what the enhancement and enlargement process will mean for them. We’d like to say the cuts won’t affect them, as Columbia has an unshakable commitment to its students and their education above all else, but you’d know we were lying. Instead, we offer these projections.
In an effort to expand students’ horizons as well as save money, the chemistry and film departments will be merged. Henceforth, g-chem will consist of screenings of “Weird Science”, and premeds will now be able to watch ER and Chicago Hope as part of their curriculum. We’d like to make another joke about watching two chemistry movies and comparing them for the final, but there are none. The band now forms the filming of a new high-intensity chemistry action thriller and plays, for the hell of it, “I Wanna Be Sedated”.
[sedated]
Recently it seems scientists who, though not actually chemists, at one point studied chemistry, cloned a sheep in Scotland, producing a flurry of media attention, most of it focusing on such unlikely bedfellows as Adolf Hitler and Dennis Rodman. They also produced another sheep. Immediately afterwards, horrified reports came from Iowa of entire fields of sheep who look exactly alike. The band now plays, in honor of herds of mindless sheep the world over, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”.
[Smells]
G’night folks. Drive safe.
[March out to “Roar”]